Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Where Did That Red Hair Come From?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.''This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed but answered, 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust.'

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Two Aspirin!

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, and gets in the mood for some loving.
But true to his wife, he goes home.
When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouthwide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
Of course, she awakens choking, but she quickly recovers and asks,"What did you put in my mouth???"
He says, "Two aspirin".
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!!!"
He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Neighbor is Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.

I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more.'

I asked, ‘What do you mean there's more?’

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said....(You're going to love this!)


'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'

Friday, December 19, 2008

Drive, Man, Drive!


A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new sports convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left under his hat.

"Amazing" he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling behind him, the trooper walked up to the corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a good reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentlemen paused. Then said "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back!"

"Have a good day, Sir"," replied the trooper.



(Thanks to Penni Henry for sharing this one.)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Ring for Christmas?


A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Three Hillbillies

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. .'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warsh in' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

What is in That Coffee?????

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about tryin' Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as ye advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"T’was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin’ here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.”
(Thanks to Carroll Smith for sharing this one.)

Friday, December 12, 2008

Types of Sex

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex
life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security
sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but
not enough to live on!"

----------------------------------------------------

LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me
up!"

----------------------------------------------------

QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right
out and asked his wife during a recent
lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an
orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're
never home!"


----------------------------------------------------

CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his
"manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine
could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it
was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
"small", $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for
"large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or
large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over
with his wife before he made any decision. The
man called his wife on the phone and explained
their options. The doctor came back into the
room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked
the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the
kitchen."

----------------------------------------------------

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on
the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here
Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My
Husband - Stiff At Last.'"


----------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly
and said, "This will make you
happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He
couldn't get back in.



----------------------------------------------------

ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed
with another woman. She became violent and ended
up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th
floor "assisted living apartment" ..
killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she
had anything to say in her defense. She began
coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92,
if he could have sex, he could fly."




Thanks to cousin Catherine (Collard Queen) for sharing these.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Children are Witty


TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!

___________________ _______________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________


TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, ' I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand?

______________________________________


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________



TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.




(Thanks to Rosie Soderlund for sharing these.)

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Amazing Claude and the Senior Citizens

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced: "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful Antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist...


It took three days to clean up the senior center.



(Thanks to Mom for sharing this one.)

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Why, Why, Why?

Why, Why, Why?



Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?




Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficiet funds when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?


Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with the vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?


Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator hoping that something new to eat will have materialized?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
(Thanks to Carroll Smith for forwarding this.)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Golf Balls


A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.The puzzled blonde kept looking at him, his lap and his
bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from
her, he looked down and said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for avery long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity anylonger, she asked; "Do they hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Sunday Clothes

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
“Hello," said the little boy.

“Hi," replied the little girl.

“Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

“I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

“I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

“I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

“I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

“If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

“My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

“I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

“That's a good idea," replied the little boy. “I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked .. … “You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!!”




(Thanks to Tony & Peggy Ridgell for sharing this!)

Monday, December 1, 2008

The $1.99 Special

(Thanks to Ruthie for sending this one.)



We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then.' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As John was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

(Thanks to Carroll Smith for this one!)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Popcorn-stuffed Turkey

Thanks to Mom and to Penni Henry for sharing this recipe!



TURKEY RECIPE



Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that.


When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.


8 - 15 lb. turkey


1 cup melted butter


1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)


1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)


Salt/pepper to taste



Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper.


Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.


Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.


Listen for the popping sounds.


When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.



Friday, November 21, 2008

Gertrude, Maude & Tillie




These three old ladies - Gertrude, Maude & Tillie - and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.


The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far!
(Thanks to Rosie Soderlund for sharing this one.)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Gobble, Gobble

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go!'


(Thanks to Mom for sharing these.)



May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

And So The Season Begins

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'



And So The Begins the Season......


(Thanks to Penni Henry for sharing this one.)

Thursday, November 13, 2008

News from ER

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'


'Me neither, doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'





(Thanks to CS for sharing this one.)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Stu & Leroy on Sex & Marriage

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married; did you?''


Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'



(Thanks to CS for this one.)

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Square Testicles

(Thanks to Carroll Smith for sending this one.)

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money... The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'
'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.

Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Could This Really be a Fire Truck?

(Thanks to Mom for sending this.)


A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck' he said with admiration.

'Thanks' the little girl said.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little Partner', the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of its testicles, I think it could run faster.'

The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren'.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

You Can't Fix Stupid

You Can't Fix Stupid!!!



What goes around comes around!




Yep, that's our tax dollars at work!






Civil War planes? Lemme know how that works out.





And you wonder why.






'We had no idea anyone was buried there.'




And here I was, sitting with rat poison thinking it was tasty!







What are the odds of that? DUH YEAH






And he did this...how?
(Thanks to Sharon Sessler for forwarding this.)

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Flower Power for $10.00

Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.



The thin one leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun any more. For $10.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'


'You're on!' said the other old lady, holding up a $10.00 note.


The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.


Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.


The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.


'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.


'I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'






(Thanks to Jane Hartwig for forwarding this.)

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked.

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' she said.

After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'
'When he cries!' she told me.

'When he cries?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he cries?'

'Because I forgot where I put him, okay?!!'
--------
Thanks to several people who forwarded this to me.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Teddy


As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.

Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs. Thomps on would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big 'F' at the top of his papers.

At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.

Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners... he is a joy to be around..'

His second grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle.'

His third grade teacher wrote, 'His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken.'

Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, 'Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class.'

By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, 'Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to.'

After the children left, she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her 'teacher's pets..'

A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in his life.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer.... The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.

The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.

They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, 'Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference.'

Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back. She said, 'Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you.'

(For you that don't know, Teddy Stoddard is the Dr. at Iowa Methodist in Des Moines that has the Stoddard Cancer Wing.)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Doing the Harley


The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? ' Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention"
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension.

2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.

3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.

4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!


'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
Thanks to Carroll Smith for sharing this one.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Bizarre Murder Mystery

Subject: Murder Mystery

Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!!!
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story:
On March 23, 1994....... the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr.Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commitsuicide...----- He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.-----"Ordinarily, " Dr Mills continued, "Someone who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide." That Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.-----The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulledthe trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject "A" but kills subject "B" in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B."-----When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded.The old man said it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.----The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple'sson loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident..----It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.----Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.-----Now comes the exquisite twist... Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window.-----The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Alas, the story is not a true one. It was a story made up by the doctor to illustrate a point. His explanation can be found at www.snopes.com.

Monday, October 13, 2008

St. Peter Greets a Politician

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator. 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.' And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it' s time to visit heaven.' So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.' The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?' The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted.'

Thursday, October 9, 2008

One Nation Under God in School???

One day a 6-year-old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children.
The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one!



(Thanks to Amy Zielke and to Iris Eagan for sharing this one.)

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Friends? What a Description!



Friends...


Friends are like butt cheeks.

Crap might separate them, But they always come back together.
Thanks to Stan Lacy for sharing this one!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a-a!

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a rideto a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-station attendant.

'Nothing,' the woman answered.'I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist,and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.'

'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.'


Thanks to Margaret Mathis for sharing this one!
Flickr photo by Arun Sasidharan.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Uh-oh...What Did These Folks Say?

(Thanks to Helen Hiott for sending the following.)


Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weight-lifting commentator: This is Gregorieva from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing.

2. Dressage commentator: This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother.

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.

4. Boxing Analyst: Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious.

5. Softball announcer: If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again.

6. Basketball analyst: He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew.

8. Soccer commentator: Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.

9. Tennis commentator: One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Stuck in Traffic?



If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.
Should you have a bad day at work; think of the man who has been out of work for years.
Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.
Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.
Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.
Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking, "What is my purpose?" Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.
Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be one of them!

Monday, September 29, 2008

Growing Older - What a Hoot!

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
* * *
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about
being 104?' the reporter asked. She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
* * *
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
* * *
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
* * *
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
* * *
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. 'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?' 'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
* * *
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
* * *
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
* * *
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
* * *
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
* * *
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

I Believe!

Thanks to Sharon Sessler for the following:


I Believe... That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do love each other.


I Believe...That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.


I Believe...That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.


I Believe...That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.


I Believe... That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.


I Believe...That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.


I Believe...That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.


I Believe... That you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I Believe...That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I Believe...That either you control your attitude or it controls you
I Believe...That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I Believe...That money is a lousy way of keeping score.


I Believe...That my best friend and I can do anything - or nothing - and have the best time.


I Believe...That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.


I Believe...That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I Believe...That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I Believe...That it isn't always enough, to be forgiven by others. Sometimes, you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I Believe...That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I Believe...That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but, we are responsible for who we become.

I Believe...That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I Believe...Two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I Believe...That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I Believe...That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I Believe...That credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I Believe...That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.


'The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything.'

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Rearranging Letters

Thanks to Jane Hartwig for forwarding this one.



----------------------------------------

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM --------------------------------

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER ----------------------------------------

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER ----------------------------------------

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT ----------------------------------------

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE ----------------------------------------



GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE ----------------------------------------

THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS ----------------------------------------

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME ----------------------------------------

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY ----------------------------------------

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT ----------------------------------------

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S ----------------------------------------

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE ----------------------------------------

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE ----------------------------------------

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE ----------------------------------------

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Why the Y?

(Thanks to Iris Eagan and to Phyliss Wixon for sending this one my way.)


The Silent generation, people born before 1946. -


The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1963. -


Generation X, people born between 1964 and 1 979. -


Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995 .


Why do we call the last one generation Y?


I did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below...Learned something new!