Friday, December 12, 2008

Types of Sex

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex
life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security
sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but
not enough to live on!"

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LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me
up!"

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QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right
out and asked his wife during a recent
lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an
orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're
never home!"


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CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his
"manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine
could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it
was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
"small", $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for
"large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or
large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over
with his wife before he made any decision. The
man called his wife on the phone and explained
their options. The doctor came back into the
room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked
the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the
kitchen."

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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on
the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here
Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My
Husband - Stiff At Last.'"


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WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX

My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly
and said, "This will make you
happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He
couldn't get back in.



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ELDERLY SEX

One night an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed
with another woman. She became violent and ended
up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th
floor "assisted living apartment" ..
killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she
had anything to say in her defense. She began
coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92,
if he could have sex, he could fly."




Thanks to cousin Catherine (Collard Queen) for sharing these.

1 comment:

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Bwahahahahahaha. I especially liked the last one. Bwahahahahahaha. :)