Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Where Did That Red Hair Come From?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said'.'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.''This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this. How often do you have sex??? '
The man seemed a bit ashamed but answered, 'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.
'It's rust.'

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Two Aspirin!

A guy is out with his buddies. He has a few drinks, and gets in the mood for some loving.
But true to his wife, he goes home.
When he gets home he finds her sound asleep in bed with her mouthwide open. He gets two aspirin and drops them in her mouth.
Of course, she awakens choking, but she quickly recovers and asks,"What did you put in my mouth???"
He says, "Two aspirin".
She replies, "BUT I DON'T HAVE A HEADACHE!!!"
He says, "That's all I wanted to hear."

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

The Neighbor is Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy!

I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, 'I have some really great news!'

I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'

She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant.

I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'

Then she said, 'There's more.'

I asked, ‘What do you mean there's more?’

She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.

She said....(You're going to love this!)

'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'

Friday, December 19, 2008

Drive, Man, Drive!

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new sports convertible out of the dealership.

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left under his hat.

"Amazing" he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.

Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling behind him, the trooper walked up to the corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a good reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old gentlemen paused. Then said "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back!"

"Have a good day, Sir"," replied the trooper.

(Thanks to Penni Henry for sharing this one.)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Ring for Christmas?

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Three Hillbillies

Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze.
1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. .'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warsh in' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'
3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

What is in That Coffee?????

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
"What about tryin' Viagra?" asked the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin."

"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as ye advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"

"T’was the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin’ here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.”
(Thanks to Carroll Smith for sharing this one.)

Friday, December 12, 2008

Types of Sex

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but
not enough to live on!"


A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me


Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right
out and asked his wife during a recent
lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're
never home!"


A man was in a terrible accident, and his
"manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine
could give him back his manhood, but that his
insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it
was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
"small", $6,500 for "medium", $14,000 for
The man was sure he would want a medium or
large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over
with his wife before he made any decision. The
man called his wife on the phone and explained
their options. The doctor came back into the
room, and found the man looking dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked
the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on
the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die,
I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here
Lies My Wife-Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: Here Lies My
Husband - Stiff At Last.'"



My husband came home with a tube of K-Y jelly
and said, "This will make you
happy tonight."

He was right. When he went out of the bedroom,
I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He
couldn't get back in.



One night an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed
with another woman. She became violent and ended
up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th
floor "assisted living apartment" ..
killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on charge of murder,
the judge asked her if she
had anything to say in her defense. She began
coolly, "Yes, your honor, I figured that at 92,
if he could have sex, he could fly."

Thanks to cousin Catherine (Collard Queen) for sharing these.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Children are Witty

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.


TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

___________________ _______________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, ' I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.' ________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand?


TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.


TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(Thanks to Rosie Soderlund for sharing these.)

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Amazing Claude and the Senior Citizens

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced: "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful Antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the hypnotist...

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

(Thanks to Mom for sharing this one.)

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Why, Why, Why?

Why, Why, Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficiet funds when they already know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
If people evolved from apes, Why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with the vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator hoping that something new to eat will have materialized?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
(Thanks to Carroll Smith for forwarding this.)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.The puzzled blonde kept looking at him, his lap and his
bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from
her, he looked down and said, "It's golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for avery long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity anylonger, she asked; "Do they hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Sunday Clothes

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
“Hello," said the little boy.

“Hi," replied the little girl.

“Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

“I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

“I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

“I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

“I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

“If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

“My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

“I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

“That's a good idea," replied the little boy. “I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked .. … “You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTIST and a METHODIST!!!”

(Thanks to Tony & Peggy Ridgell for sharing this!)

Monday, December 1, 2008

The $1.99 Special

(Thanks to Ruthie for sending this one.)

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'seniors' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then.' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied.
She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.