Saturday, February 28, 2009

Oops!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise and thanksgiving for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the front. She said, "I do. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quavering voice,"thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the front.

He said, "I'm Tom."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.”

Thursday, February 26, 2009

What a Word!

Vocabulary Word for the Day


LIQUIDITY


Definition: Liquidity is when you look at your retirement funds and wet your pants!



Thanks to Dee for sharing this.

Monday, February 23, 2009

A Visit to the Gynecologist



A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,'you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me.'


'This one's kind of strange,' she said.


'Let me be the judge of that,' the doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'



'I see.'


'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'


'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,'I'm scared out of my wits!'


The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . . . .


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


(Ready for this?)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


'You're simply going through the change!'















(Thanks to Mom for sharing this one.)

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Friday, February 20, 2009

Would You Choose the Bucket?


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, 'How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?'

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

Thursday, February 19, 2009

She Said WHAT????

The lady was a Southern Baptist who attended services and taught Sunday school every week. On one Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and said, "Hey, how about you and I having dinner on Tuesday?" "Why, yes, that would be nice," the lady responded. Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck. On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant in that part of South Carolina. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and suggested, "Would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no," said our circumspect fine example of southern womanhood, "What ever would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, our gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked, "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh my goodness no," said the woman. "I couldn't face my Sunday School class if I did." Well, our boy felt pretty low after that, so they left, got in his car and as he was driving the lady home, they passed the local Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, "Ahhh . . . . Hmmmm how would you like to stop at this motel?" "Sure, that would be nice," she said in anticipation. The gentleman couldn't believe his ears, and did a fast U-Turn right then and there, and drove back to the motel and checked in. The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most incredible sex and perversions imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked at the lovely Dixie darling lying there in the bed and with remorse thought, "What the hell have I done?!" He shook her awake and pleaded, "I've got to ask you one thing, what ever are you going to tell your Sunday school class?" The lady said, "The same thing I always tell them, 'You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time'!"

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Wordless Wednesday: How's This For a Tombstone?



Visit my other two blogs for different kinds of wordlessness today:

Teaching the Dog

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Golden Retriever pup had fresh air.
She was stretched out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, 'Now you stay, hear me? Stay, Stay."

The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in "PARK"?






(Thanks to Dee for sharing this.)

Monday, February 16, 2009

Down by the Cemetery


On the outskirts of a small town there was a big old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucket with nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy.

Several pecans dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

He thought he knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.

Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'

The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.'

When the boy insisted, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'

The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.

The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts down by the fence and we'll be done.'

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.





(Thanks to Gene for sharing this one.)

Friday, February 13, 2009

It's In The Bread, Man!

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80-year-old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He asked, "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it! Everybody knows about this stuff but me!"

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Dancing at the Saloon

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.


As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to .'


A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound.

The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet.

The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around, looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to. '


The two lessons from this story are:

1. Don't waste ammunition.

2. Don't mess with old people.

Don’t you love a happy ending?




(Thanks to Peggy for sending this one.)

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Olive Oil to Wash Hair?


Trying to control her dry hair, a woman treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it.

Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed her hair several times.

That night when she went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"

"No," he said, sniffing her. "Do I smell like Popeye?"





(Thanks to Tony for this one.)

Thursday, February 5, 2009

The Black Bra

(Thanks to Marty for sharing this one.)


I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.


One is engaged, one is a mistress, and, of course, I have been married for 20+ years.


We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.


We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.


My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.


The mistress: Me, too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.


Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.


As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Well, It Could Be Louisiana


Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they finally stopped for lunch.


As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are.. very slowly?"


The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."