Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Uh-oh!

Two robins were sitting in a tree.

"I'm really hungry," said the first one.

"Me too," said the second one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms.

They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more.

"I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree," said the one.

"Me either." said the second. "Let's just lie here and bask in the warm sun."

"Okay," said the first robin.

They plopped down, basking in the sun.



No sooner had they fallen asleep than a big cat sneaked up and gobbled both of them up.

As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, "I really love baskin' robins."










(I "stole" this from Celie.)

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Service With a Smile????

(Thanks to Tony for sharing this one.)




I was confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word "service":



Internal Revenue "Service"

U.S. Postal "Service"

Telephone "Service"

Cable "Service"Civil "Service"

Customer "Service"

State, City, & County Public "Service"

Government "Service"

This is not what I thought "service" meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few cows.



BAM!!! It all came into focus.




Now I understand what all those"service" agencies are doing to us.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

An Octopus Has Eight What????

Primary School Children Writing About The Sea







1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)


2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)


3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.(Wayne age 7)


4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)


5) A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.(Billy age 8)


6) My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily Burniston age 5)


7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)


8) I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)


9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 6)


10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.(Becky age 8)
Thanks to Carroll for sharing this.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

When's the Burial?

(Thanks to Julie MacKay Cox for this.)



An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home.


One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.


Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong.


'Yes, Nurse Tracy ,' said Mr. Wallace.'My Private Part died today, and I am very sad.'


Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, 'Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my Condolences.'





The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy.


'Mr. Wallace,' she said, 'You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas.'


'But, Nurse Tracy I can't,' replied Mr. Wallace. 'I told you yesterdaythat my Private Part died.'


'Yes,' said Nurse Tracy, 'you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?'


'Well,' he replied, 'Today is the viewing.'

Sunday, January 18, 2009

And That's The Truth!


A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa!'

The cop asked, 'What's he like?'

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied, 'Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs.'

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Now That's Some Kind of Drink!!!

(Thanks to Gene and Lillian for sharing this!)

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.


Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.


The poor man starts crying.


The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."


"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life, it seems I just can't win...


First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar...


And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Monday, January 12, 2009

Oh, Yes, It's Another Blonde Joke!

(Thanks to Dee for sharing this one! She and I are both blondes.)



A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says: "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, asks, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Friday, January 9, 2009

Two Woodpeckers

This is the story of two woodpeckers. I received it from Catherine, from Tony and from someone who said not to mention her if I used this! That means it's got to be good!


Two Woodpeckers..........

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees.


The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.


The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.


The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.


The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.


Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused.


How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?


After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

You Won't Find These Words in the Dictionary!

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word.



1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund; which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.


3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people, that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The Bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.


4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.


5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.


6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.


7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness


9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)


10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.


11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.


12. Glibido: All talk and no action


13. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.


14. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.


15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


And, the pick of the lot...


17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.








(Thanks to Mom for sending this list, which was sent to her by Nancy Reed. I didn't even realize that Mom knows that last word!)

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Oh, Well, That Changes Everything


A nice, calm and respectable lady went into
the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes and said, "I
would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do
you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my
husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he
exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband. That's
against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds
of bad things will happen.

Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled
out a picture of her husband in bed with
the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and
replied, "Well now, that's different. You
didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Football Explained

Right in the midst of bowl season, football is finally explained, thanks to this from Sharon Sessler:


A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.

They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

'Oh, I really liked it,' she replied, 'especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.'

Dumbfounded, her date asked, 'What do you mean?'

'Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.'

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Nine Words Women Use

NINE WORDS/PHRASES WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying...Go to H...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.