Sports Chuckles

Here's something sports fans will appreciate! This was forwarded from Margaret Mathis.

#1. 'Football is only a game. Spiritual things are eternal. Nevertheless, Beat Texas '
----Seen on a church sign in Arkansas prior to the 1969 game.

#2. 'After you retire, there's only one big event left... and I ain't ready for that.' ---Bobby Bowden / Florida State

#3. 'The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.' -----Lou Holtz / Arkansas

#4. 'When you win, nothing hurts.' ----Joe Namath / Alabama

#5. 'Motivation is simple. You eliminate those who are not motivated.' ---Lou Holtz / Arkansas

#6. 'If you want to walk the heavenly streets of gold, you gotta know the password, 'Roll, tide, roll!' -----Bear Bryant / Alabama

#7. 'A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.' ------Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

#8. 'There's nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.' ---Woody Hayes / Ohio State

#9. 'I don't expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.'
-----Bob Devaney / Nebraska

#10. 'In Alabama , an atheist is someone who doesn't believe in Bear Bryant.' ----Wally Butts / Georgia

#11. 'You can learn more character on the two-yard line than anywhere else in life.'
---Paul Dietzel / LSU

#12. 'It's kind of hard to rally around a math class.' ----Bear Bryant / Alabama

#13. When asked if Fayetteville was the end of the world. 'No, but you can see it from here.'
-----Lou Holtz / Arkansas .

#14. 'I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.' -------Bear Bryant / Alabama

#15. 'There's one sure way to stop us from scoring-give us the ball near the goal line.'---- Matty Bell / SMU

#16. 'Lads, you're not to miss practice unless your parents died or you died.' ---Frank Leahy / Notre Dame

#17. 'I never graduated from Iowa , but I was only there for two terms - - Truman's and Eisenhower's.' ---------Alex Karras / Iowa

#18. 'My advice to defensive players: Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in a bad humor.' ---Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee

#19. 'I could have been a Rhodes Scholar, except for my grades.' ----Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

#20. 'Always remember... Goliath was a 40 point favorite over David.' ---Shug Jordan / Auburn

#21. 'They cut us up like boarding house pie. And that's real small pieces.' ---Darrell Royal / Texas

#22. 'Show me a good and gracious loser, and I'll show you a failure.' ---Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#23. 'They whipped us like a tied up goat.' ---Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

#24. 'I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn't recruit me and he said: 'Well, Walt, we took a look at you and you weren't any good.' ---Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State

#25. 'Son, you've got a good engine, but your hands aren't on the steering wheel.' ---Bobby Bowden / Florida State

#26. 'Football is not a contact sport - it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.' ---Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State

#27. After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his postgame message to his team: 'All those who need showers, take them.' ---John McKay / USC

#28. 'If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.' ----Murray Warmath / Minnesota

#29. 'The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.' ---Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#30. 'Oh, we played about like three tons of buzzard puke this afternoon.' ---Spike Dykes / Texas Tech

#31. 'It isn't necessary to see a good tackle. You can hear it.' ---Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#32. 'We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.' ---Darrell Royal / Texas

#33. 'We didn't tackle well today but we made up for it by not blocking.' --- Wilson Matthews / Little Rock Central High School

#34. 'Three things can happen when you throw the ball, and two of them are bad. ---Darrell Royal / University of Texas

#35. 'I've found that prayers work best when you have big players.'
---Knute Rockne / Notre Dame

#36. 'Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.' ---John Heisman / Georgia Tech

Credit at Death????

How many times have you complained about trying to deal with a large company or corporation or even (egads!) government bureaucracy? If you've ever been frustrated at the process, you'll probably enjoy the following which just came my way:

Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member : 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member : 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member : 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member : 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member : 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member : 'Sure.' (Fax number was given )

After they get the fax:

Citibank : 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member : 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member : 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank : 'That might help.'

Family Member : ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member : 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???

Senior Dress Code

Many of us 'Old Folks' (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least
13. Thongs and Depends

Punny!

It is said that the ability to make and understand PUNS is the highest level of language development. Here are the top 10 winners in the International Pun Contest.

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'


3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can'thave your kayak and heat it, too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says, 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.But why they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goesto a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And, finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make themlaugh. No pun in ten did.

The Love Squad

The Love Squad
By Virelle Kidder

"Oh, no! Not company!" I groaned, the moment my car rounded the corner and our house came into full view. Usually I'd be thrilled to see four cars lined up in our driveway, but after I spent a weeklong vigil at the hospital with an ill child, my house was a colossal mess. Turning off the car engine, I dragged myself to the front door.

"What are you doing home so soon?" my friend Judie called from the kitchen. "We weren't expecting you for another hour! We thought we'd be long gone before you got home."

She walked toward me and gave me a hug, then asked softly, "How are you doing?"

Was this my house? Was I dreaming? Everything looked so clean. Where did these flowers come from?

Suddenly more voices, more hugs. Lorraine, smiling and wiping beads of perspiration from her forehead, came up from the family room where she had just finished ironing a mountain of clean clothes. Regina peeked into the kitchen, having finished vacuuming rugs and polishing and dusting furniture in every room in the house. Joan, still upstairs wrestling with the boys' bunk-bed sheets, called down her "Hello," having already brought order out of chaos in all four bedrooms.

"When did you guys get here?" was my last coherent sentence. My tears came in great heaving waves.

"How come...how come...you did all this?" I cried unashamedly, every ounce of resistance gone.

I had spent the week praying through a health crisis, begging God for a sense of his presence at the hospital. Instead, he laid a mantle of order, beauty and loving care into our home through these four "angels."

"You rest a while, Virelle," Lorraine said firmly. "Here's your dinner for tonight - there are more meals in the freezer."

The table was set with flowers and fancy napkins, and a little gift was at my place. A small banquet was arranged, complete with salad and dessert.

"Don't you worry; we're all praying," my friends said. "God has everything under control." After my friends left, I wandered from room to room, still sobbing from the enormity of their gift of time and work. I found beautiful floral arrangements in every room...and little wrapped gifts on each bed. More tears.

In the living room I found a note under a vase filled with pennies. I was to have come home and found it as their only identity: "The Love Squad was here."

And I knew that God had everything under control.

25 Reasons I Owe My Mother

25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all those peas are gone."
11. My mother Taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION . "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me About ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. " If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.

Words to Live By

These are just a few sayings that have come my way. I like 'em!

From Winston Churchill: We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.

From Lou Erickso: Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still.

From William James: The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitude . . .

From John Ruskin: The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.

Did You Know?

Abraham Lincoln invented the hydraulic device for lifting ships over shoals. He was the only US president ever granted a patent - thus far.


No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple. Well, no real word. I once was a clown named Purple Durple, but that probably doesn't count!

Baseball Question

Here's a question posed by the late George Carlin: "If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?"



After posting the above question, I did a bit of research. The Dawg, a friend who is a baseball fanatic, said the Cincinnati team played non-professional teams initially. He suggested that they even paid other teams to play, typically teams that were organized around their places of employment. The following info came from the official site of the Cincinnati Reds: http://cincinnati.reds.mlb.com/







1869
May 4: The 1869 Cincinnati Red Stockings, the first all-professional nine, kick off their first regular season with a 45-9 win over the Great Westerns of Cincinnati.


1869
Nov. 6: In the final official match of the season, the Red Stockings defeat the Mutuals of New York, 17-8, on Union Grounds. Baseball’s first team of professionals finished the season with a perfect 57-0 record.

Making Babies

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning,
Ma'am," he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed. "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?''
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.''
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.''
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
''Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes," the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?''
"It's true, Ma'am, yes... Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
''Tripod?''
"Oh, yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.

Special Occasion????

One daughter's story:
My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions" (her second mistake).

Now fast forward a few months....It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up my uncle and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone...Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, my uncle came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" Kotex napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tail in so they didn't hang off the
edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. "But, Mom, you said they were for special occasions!!!"