Putting Your Affairs in Order!!!!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So,let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis,the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friend s were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

~ ~ ~

Thanks to Tony for sharing this!

Blonde in the Bar

A guy orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them. The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens.

So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'

'Duh,' says the blond, 'He has a licker license.

~ ~ ~ Thanks to Penni for sharing!

The Air Force Pilot

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a
young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the
descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as
possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly
offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh,
that's a good looking baby..and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that
the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's
ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion
exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

Can You Get Cash for Your Clunker?????

IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull.
But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.

I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.
My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS........... YEP! I QUALIFY - How about You?

Thanks to Tony for sharing this!

Update: As noted, the above was forwarded to me via e-mail. There was no attribution. I have received a comment from a person who says she is the author and that copyright notice needs to be displayed. Therefore, here is her info: "c2003 Linda S Amstutz. You can read more by this author at http://anotherlinda.blogspot.com".

My apologies to her that I didn't know of her existence, her authorship, etc.

Vacation Tragedy

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania ..

They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway..

It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious... With her head bleeding!

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house.

He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob Hill brings his wife in. An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty Hill and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty Hill's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.

Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob Hill both sit up straight!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"