Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.

John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As John was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

(Thanks to Carroll Smith for this one!)

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Popcorn-stuffed Turkey

Thanks to Mom and to Penni Henry for sharing this recipe!



TURKEY RECIPE



Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that.


When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.


8 - 15 lb. turkey


1 cup melted butter


1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)


1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT)


Salt/pepper to taste



Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper.


Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.


Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.


Listen for the popping sounds.


When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done.



Friday, November 21, 2008

Gertrude, Maude & Tillie




These three old ladies - Gertrude, Maude & Tillie - and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.


The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.
Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
Then Maude also had a stroke.
But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far!
(Thanks to Rosie Soderlund for sharing this one.)

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Gobble, Gobble

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a young boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.

He stopped and asked the boy, 'Where did you get that turkey?'

The boy replied, 'What turkey?'

The game warden said, 'That turkey you're carrying under your arm.'

The boy looks down and said, 'Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!'

The game warden said, 'Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you. If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?'

The little boy said, 'I guess I'll just kiss his butt and let him go!'


(Thanks to Mom for sharing these.)



May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have never a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

And So The Season Begins

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'



And So The Begins the Season......


(Thanks to Penni Henry for sharing this one.)

Thursday, November 13, 2008

News from ER

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'


'Me neither, doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'





(Thanks to CS for sharing this one.)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Stu & Leroy on Sex & Marriage

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values.

Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married; did you?''


Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'



(Thanks to CS for this one.)

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Square Testicles

(Thanks to Carroll Smith for sending this one.)

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.

The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money... The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'
'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.

Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile.

Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Could This Really be a Fire Truck?

(Thanks to Mom for sending this.)


A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet.. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck' he said with admiration.

'Thanks' the little girl said.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little Partner', the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar instead of its testicles, I think it could run faster.'

The little girl replies thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren'.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

You Can't Fix Stupid

You Can't Fix Stupid!!!



What goes around comes around!




Yep, that's our tax dollars at work!






Civil War planes? Lemme know how that works out.





And you wonder why.






'We had no idea anyone was buried there.'




And here I was, sitting with rat poison thinking it was tasty!







What are the odds of that? DUH YEAH






And he did this...how?
(Thanks to Sharon Sessler for forwarding this.)